This is gonna be long. and repetitive. Im warning you. It may seem all emo, but u'll have to read til the end. And Furree you should know your come-back to the bloggersphere inspired mine.
Right now i think the worst feeling in the world is feeling useless. Watching a movie on a normal day then pausing it to go downstairs to see what's wrong and hearing the words that make you utterly, undeniably useless. Standing there, knowing that what you feared the most has happened, standing there knowing that a part of your life - a major part, one without which your world always feels incomplete - has just vanished into thin air. And you cant do anything about it. You cant rush to where it happened, try to make sense of when, where and HOW. Its miles away, its miles away where it all disappeared and you cant do anything about it, you just sink down to where you stood a moment ago, and grieve. You sit there for hours, days, weeks. You go up to the roof and sit there, and look at the vast, never ending sky above you, then look back down at your hands, your useless little hands and feel useless. Because you couldnt do anything. Not that there was a need. Its just that you couldnt. You convince yourself you can never be the same again, that a colour has been stolen from your life, one that is dull in all the memories that you hold close to yourself. One that isnt bright enough even when your unconcious mind swells into your sub-concious to provide you with more of it. One that you swore to yourself you would remember every little detail of, and yet you forgot. You swore to yourself you wouldnt but you did it, you moved on. Now when you tried to entirely remember that colour, it was as if it had never existed, it was as hard as trying to imagine a colour that you had never ever seen. You were guilty, but had learnt to ignore the feeling of uselessnes.
A year later, without any warning like before, it happened again. All your practice at ignoring the dreaded feeling returned. This time it wasnt miles that rendered you useless, it was minutes. The time it took to come back from school, thinking on the way of what I had to report and the response I would get. Feeling and knowing completely the warmth and familiarity of this colour, another one that would vanish into thin air just in a matter of minutes. You stop infront of your house and know, you see the people all over the place and know, you know before you see your brother's crying face before he tells you what you had begun to dread the most. So you go inside and you stand in your room, then sink down and just sit there, and stare at your hands. Your useless, little hands. Not that you needed to do something, or you should have. You just feel useless. Because you know you're going to forget this colour too, and you're gonna try and hold on to it, search your mind for memories and keep them close, and eventually it will slip out of your mind like the sands of time that flowed through your hand.
There will be times when you see that colour, a shadow of that colour everywhere you go. It will follow you around, from the depths of your room, around the corners of your house and out in the lawn and even in the car. You'll see it there but still not really see it, your heart will sink and you will strain your mind, beg it to come up with something new, but there wont be anything. And you will feel useless. You will walk around and see the colour glistening in your periphery, and turn around to see nothing but the harsh reality of its absence. You will look at the rooms that once used to be filled with that colour, and your heart will sink when you see that everything has changed. Everything changed except you feeling useless. That doesnt change.
Death is not the only trigger of this feeling. You feel it when you look at your mother and see the woman who is battered by the aggressiveness of her own mind. Her mind that makes her think, regret, obsess and stress. Her mind that becomes a deep, dark abyss, that makes her blind to all the light of the sun, deaf to the chirping of the birds, numb to the soft, caressing wind. Her mind that anchors her deep in her depression until all that's left is a robot, that breathes, eats, sleeps and looks at you with hollow eyes, and hears you but does not listen, and speaks to you but does not talk, and worries about you but does not care. How does that make you feel? Useless.
Useless, the way you feel when you look at your father, and see the heart of gold and also the walls of anger and mistrust that only you can see through. Useless, the way you feel when all everybody else sees is these walls of anger and mistrust, when all everybody else forgets is what he went through and all the good that he did. Useless, when you see him sinking deep into depression with the equally depressed partner and hostile brothers and sisters and the cruel, cruel world that just keeps pushing him into the abyss. Useless, thats how you feel.
Then you see your eldest brother, your idol of a brother, the one who always does the right thing, the one who makes you feel like everything in the world is okay, the one who is always nearby if you need him, the one who you want to give all the happiness in the world to - you see him get ensnared in a trap, sucked into a relentless storm and come back with a vital part of himself missing. A part that you miss like crazy, and you know that he must miss a hundred times more than you. You see all the hurt that he keeps hidden, you see through that ever present smile and you feel useless. Because you cant do anything to make it better, because you cant do anything but ignore the hurt that he keeps hidden and believe the smile that he puts on. Useless. You look again at your little, stupid, useless hands.
You look then at your friends, at the people around you and you do everything you can, to not feel useless. They let you in and let you help, and suddenly you feel a lot let useless. But every single one of them has someone who is far more important than you are. Someone who controls your friends' emotions, their thoughts, their feelings. And you realise that they are your friends' colours, and however you try to protect them, however much you make them important to you, however much you care for them, you are not the most important person in their life and so you dont have more effect than their person. And they all have a person, and its not you. Even though they assure you that you are their person. Thankyou everytime their someone leaves them, or does something that you warned would happen. They come back to you and promise you they wont do it again, they wont throw themselves in harms way, they will listen to you when you warn them, when you try to save them. But they'll slip through your fingers again and again. And what will you feel? You will feel useless.
Then there's the friends that want you to open up to them, to show them what goes on in that forgetful, effervescent mind of yours, to visit the place in which you're lost so often, to feel a little less useless on their own. But you know that doing that will make them sad, you know that all your sorrows and all your problems do not have solutions, and you know that you will only make them feel useless. And that is the last feeling you want anyone to feel.
And its not like you need them to feel useless, you get enough of that from the world. You study because that is how you strive, you study because that makes you feel a little less useless, you study because you dont want to waste your father's money, you study because you are ambitious and you want to get in the university of your dreams and become successful and become useful. You study and you get the grades you need and you have everyone rooting for you, everyone telling you that you dont need to worry, and then you get to know it wasnt enough. And then you sit in the university of your dreams, you sit there and you watch a powerful, recourceful, useful man come in and buy the scholarship seats that you were mere minutes away from getting. And all you can do is watch. Watch as the chancellor takes the phone in his hand, watch as you see him mentally count all the money he's being offered, watch as you see him cringe at the consequences if he does not accept. You watch the Chancellor of your dream university sell off the scholarship seat that was rightfully yours, and you feel? Useless.
Then you go home and you look at your parents and you see their tears because they feel useless, and you hate your self for making them feel what you feel, and you hate the world for being the way it is, and you hate yourself for being useless.
There are many other feelings in this world. The feeling of contentment when you see your family laughing together, sitting in one room, the warmth of their presence and reality of their voices making you forget the other feelings. The feeling of love when you open the gallery in your mobile and flick through the photos of your family and friends. The feeling of being loved when you get surprised at your birthday and your family and your friends gather around you and show that they care. The feeling of joy when you see your brothers getting promotion, bringing happy news, when you see your parents singing together like they used to, when you see your friends laughing, happy and content. The feeling of calmness when you stand on the edge of the beach, feet immersed in the cool water, forget all your worries and just embrace the wind that is making your hair whip and lash, the water that is glistening around your feet, the light that is dancing in the water everywhere, the sun thats keeping you warm and the sandy beach that ebbs and flows like its part of the water.
The feeling of usefulness, when you open the website to find out that you are on merit number one of the only university that is left of the three that you applied to. When you see that you are first in three thousand and thirty two people. When you see feel your parents pride and joy, when you feel them hug you, when you see your brother dance, when you see your eldest brother run to you and embrace you.
The feeling of stupidity when you know you should have realised that everything goes according to ALLAH's plan, and that if you knew what he planned for you, your heart would melt because of how much HE loves you and how much HE protects you and how HE has always been there for you.
Alhumdulilah.
This was me letting you in. And I want you to know that this isnt all. There's a lot in my head that sometimes even I dont keep track of. So if u ask me what's bothering me, or how I'm feeling, my answer may be very different. But this is more than I have ever written down, this is all that I have kept inside for a long time. Expectations make me feel useless, so a request to everyone to not expect me to post regularly or to be this open again. I've already bored you with the feeling of uselessness. Ekh, im sick of the word too now.
And sing slow-ow-ow-ow-ow it down. Through chaos as it swirls. It's us against the world.
Right now i think the worst feeling in the world is feeling useless. Watching a movie on a normal day then pausing it to go downstairs to see what's wrong and hearing the words that make you utterly, undeniably useless. Standing there, knowing that what you feared the most has happened, standing there knowing that a part of your life - a major part, one without which your world always feels incomplete - has just vanished into thin air. And you cant do anything about it. You cant rush to where it happened, try to make sense of when, where and HOW. Its miles away, its miles away where it all disappeared and you cant do anything about it, you just sink down to where you stood a moment ago, and grieve. You sit there for hours, days, weeks. You go up to the roof and sit there, and look at the vast, never ending sky above you, then look back down at your hands, your useless little hands and feel useless. Because you couldnt do anything. Not that there was a need. Its just that you couldnt. You convince yourself you can never be the same again, that a colour has been stolen from your life, one that is dull in all the memories that you hold close to yourself. One that isnt bright enough even when your unconcious mind swells into your sub-concious to provide you with more of it. One that you swore to yourself you would remember every little detail of, and yet you forgot. You swore to yourself you wouldnt but you did it, you moved on. Now when you tried to entirely remember that colour, it was as if it had never existed, it was as hard as trying to imagine a colour that you had never ever seen. You were guilty, but had learnt to ignore the feeling of uselessnes.
A year later, without any warning like before, it happened again. All your practice at ignoring the dreaded feeling returned. This time it wasnt miles that rendered you useless, it was minutes. The time it took to come back from school, thinking on the way of what I had to report and the response I would get. Feeling and knowing completely the warmth and familiarity of this colour, another one that would vanish into thin air just in a matter of minutes. You stop infront of your house and know, you see the people all over the place and know, you know before you see your brother's crying face before he tells you what you had begun to dread the most. So you go inside and you stand in your room, then sink down and just sit there, and stare at your hands. Your useless, little hands. Not that you needed to do something, or you should have. You just feel useless. Because you know you're going to forget this colour too, and you're gonna try and hold on to it, search your mind for memories and keep them close, and eventually it will slip out of your mind like the sands of time that flowed through your hand.
There will be times when you see that colour, a shadow of that colour everywhere you go. It will follow you around, from the depths of your room, around the corners of your house and out in the lawn and even in the car. You'll see it there but still not really see it, your heart will sink and you will strain your mind, beg it to come up with something new, but there wont be anything. And you will feel useless. You will walk around and see the colour glistening in your periphery, and turn around to see nothing but the harsh reality of its absence. You will look at the rooms that once used to be filled with that colour, and your heart will sink when you see that everything has changed. Everything changed except you feeling useless. That doesnt change.
Death is not the only trigger of this feeling. You feel it when you look at your mother and see the woman who is battered by the aggressiveness of her own mind. Her mind that makes her think, regret, obsess and stress. Her mind that becomes a deep, dark abyss, that makes her blind to all the light of the sun, deaf to the chirping of the birds, numb to the soft, caressing wind. Her mind that anchors her deep in her depression until all that's left is a robot, that breathes, eats, sleeps and looks at you with hollow eyes, and hears you but does not listen, and speaks to you but does not talk, and worries about you but does not care. How does that make you feel? Useless.
Useless, the way you feel when you look at your father, and see the heart of gold and also the walls of anger and mistrust that only you can see through. Useless, the way you feel when all everybody else sees is these walls of anger and mistrust, when all everybody else forgets is what he went through and all the good that he did. Useless, when you see him sinking deep into depression with the equally depressed partner and hostile brothers and sisters and the cruel, cruel world that just keeps pushing him into the abyss. Useless, thats how you feel.
Then you see your eldest brother, your idol of a brother, the one who always does the right thing, the one who makes you feel like everything in the world is okay, the one who is always nearby if you need him, the one who you want to give all the happiness in the world to - you see him get ensnared in a trap, sucked into a relentless storm and come back with a vital part of himself missing. A part that you miss like crazy, and you know that he must miss a hundred times more than you. You see all the hurt that he keeps hidden, you see through that ever present smile and you feel useless. Because you cant do anything to make it better, because you cant do anything but ignore the hurt that he keeps hidden and believe the smile that he puts on. Useless. You look again at your little, stupid, useless hands.
You look then at your friends, at the people around you and you do everything you can, to not feel useless. They let you in and let you help, and suddenly you feel a lot let useless. But every single one of them has someone who is far more important than you are. Someone who controls your friends' emotions, their thoughts, their feelings. And you realise that they are your friends' colours, and however you try to protect them, however much you make them important to you, however much you care for them, you are not the most important person in their life and so you dont have more effect than their person. And they all have a person, and its not you. Even though they assure you that you are their person. Thankyou everytime their someone leaves them, or does something that you warned would happen. They come back to you and promise you they wont do it again, they wont throw themselves in harms way, they will listen to you when you warn them, when you try to save them. But they'll slip through your fingers again and again. And what will you feel? You will feel useless.
Then there's the friends that want you to open up to them, to show them what goes on in that forgetful, effervescent mind of yours, to visit the place in which you're lost so often, to feel a little less useless on their own. But you know that doing that will make them sad, you know that all your sorrows and all your problems do not have solutions, and you know that you will only make them feel useless. And that is the last feeling you want anyone to feel.
And its not like you need them to feel useless, you get enough of that from the world. You study because that is how you strive, you study because that makes you feel a little less useless, you study because you dont want to waste your father's money, you study because you are ambitious and you want to get in the university of your dreams and become successful and become useful. You study and you get the grades you need and you have everyone rooting for you, everyone telling you that you dont need to worry, and then you get to know it wasnt enough. And then you sit in the university of your dreams, you sit there and you watch a powerful, recourceful, useful man come in and buy the scholarship seats that you were mere minutes away from getting. And all you can do is watch. Watch as the chancellor takes the phone in his hand, watch as you see him mentally count all the money he's being offered, watch as you see him cringe at the consequences if he does not accept. You watch the Chancellor of your dream university sell off the scholarship seat that was rightfully yours, and you feel? Useless.
Then you go home and you look at your parents and you see their tears because they feel useless, and you hate your self for making them feel what you feel, and you hate the world for being the way it is, and you hate yourself for being useless.
There are many other feelings in this world. The feeling of contentment when you see your family laughing together, sitting in one room, the warmth of their presence and reality of their voices making you forget the other feelings. The feeling of love when you open the gallery in your mobile and flick through the photos of your family and friends. The feeling of being loved when you get surprised at your birthday and your family and your friends gather around you and show that they care. The feeling of joy when you see your brothers getting promotion, bringing happy news, when you see your parents singing together like they used to, when you see your friends laughing, happy and content. The feeling of calmness when you stand on the edge of the beach, feet immersed in the cool water, forget all your worries and just embrace the wind that is making your hair whip and lash, the water that is glistening around your feet, the light that is dancing in the water everywhere, the sun thats keeping you warm and the sandy beach that ebbs and flows like its part of the water.
The feeling of usefulness, when you open the website to find out that you are on merit number one of the only university that is left of the three that you applied to. When you see that you are first in three thousand and thirty two people. When you see feel your parents pride and joy, when you feel them hug you, when you see your brother dance, when you see your eldest brother run to you and embrace you.
The feeling of stupidity when you know you should have realised that everything goes according to ALLAH's plan, and that if you knew what he planned for you, your heart would melt because of how much HE loves you and how much HE protects you and how HE has always been there for you.
Alhumdulilah.
This was me letting you in. And I want you to know that this isnt all. There's a lot in my head that sometimes even I dont keep track of. So if u ask me what's bothering me, or how I'm feeling, my answer may be very different. But this is more than I have ever written down, this is all that I have kept inside for a long time. Expectations make me feel useless, so a request to everyone to not expect me to post regularly or to be this open again. I've already bored you with the feeling of uselessness. Ekh, im sick of the word too now.
And sing slow-ow-ow-ow-ow it down. Through chaos as it swirls. It's us against the world.
