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Longing for that moment of clarity. Rewind and Stop. Please? Pretty please?

Band Aid anyone?

People say so easily, 'time heals all wounds'. I have been led to believe that this statement does not hold reason. As time passes by, you just have to deal with everything and so you put a bandage over your wound, hide it from the rest of the world but still nurse it in secrecy. Just because it's covered, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. If anything, time just welcomes guilt to the ride. Guilt for covering the wound up. Guilt for hiding it from your own self, like pretending it doesn't exist will make it go away. Irrationality. It just got overrated.

Numb

my lips are dry. the air seems stiff. my toes feel pinched. So it is true... winter's here. the time of the year when you begin to doubt if the coldness inside, is because of the weather... when you unconsciously withdraw into yourself, only to jump away, raw.. having found a part of you that you had hidden away beneath everything... Funny how 8 year olds can make you so emotionally vulnerable, you feel like you gave your coat to them to protect them from the cold wind, only to have them push you into a ravine of icy cold numbing water. which pretty much leaves you feeling empty. like you cant feel anything... I'd like that... to be Numb. Comfortably numb? 

Living the Limbo

I have been standing on the stairs for a while now. Have you noticed how the stairs are like a limbo? An intermediate place, a state of uncertainty... You're oblivious to the stairway as an actual place. Do you sit on the stairs and talk? Do you grab a book and some juice and find yourself a nice step? You're in between two destinations, only when you decide you wanna go up or down, do u actually go. And thats all u do while on the stairs. Decisions, decisions... If you cant decide, are you stuck in limbo? Are you stuck in between?

Sometimes, Limbo is your destination. Sometimes, you dont want to go up or down. Sometimes, you just wanna be away from the up and down. Sometimes, you just dont wanna choose. Live the limbo. You might just like it.

Insomnia

I'm surrounded by darkness. From down here, it looks like nothing exists. Frantic blinking wont do any good nor will searching for a light. The best way out; close your eyes. The darkness that surrounded you is now just your eyelid shielding you from all the light. Isn't it eerie how the same mirror shows every single person so many different things? Isn't it eerie how without light you don't have reflection? As your light dimunates so does your reflection, you personality. And then you're immersed in the darkness again.

Come to think of it, sleep is an eerie thing too. Isn't it weird how man, the most aggressive and defensive creature, lays all his guards down and finds rest in defenseless slumber? Your consciousness wavers and gradually floats away leaving you both physically and mentally vulnerable. Open to attack, not only from the world but your own self. That great wave of unconsciousness that smothers you in sleep, showing you dreams and nightmares and knowledge and reason, knowing all your secrets, making you emotionally fragile, taking away all its presence from your grasping hands when you wake up. You want to hold on, but your struggle is like  trying to hold back water from rejoining the sea.

Conflict

I cant write. I cant concentrate. I cant think. I cant cry. I cant want. I cant hope. I cant express. I cant let it go. I cant get over it. I cant forget about it. I cant stop. I cant let go. I cant hear myself think. I cant see clearly. I cant decipher the signs. I cant feel. People say u can feel it. I cant. What is it then? Isolation? Bottling up? Negative Reinforcement? Interruptions? Expectations? 

This isnt a sad post. Im happy. Life isnt tragic. Life is good. Things happen. For a reason. A good one. Everytime. You get through it. I get through it. Im not sad. Im not lost. Im not dramatic. Or yes maybe I am. Im just confused. It happens. I guess.

Change

When people say things like 'people don't change', it drives scientists crazy. Because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, its always changing... morphing...  merging...  growing..  dying... its the way people try Not to change, thats unnatural.. the way we cling to what things were instead of letting them be what they are... the way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones... the way we insist on believing, despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent... Change is constant. How we experience change, that's up to us. It can feel like death, or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers... loosen our grips... go with it... it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life... like at any moment we can be born all over again. - Meredith Grey